THE THANKSGIVING OF TOMORROW

This Thanksgiving I decided to show you what I'm thankful for in the future.


While technology has not yet progressed to flying cars, I have managed to supply myself with a rocket launcher atop my automobile. This means all those fools who pretend it's acceptable to pull out in front of the left-turn lane or who think they can turn right in front of me and go 20 miles slower than I am and it not be an issue will be blown to smithereens. I considered helping those Australian scientists invent a fire-retardent goop that shoots out from the steering wheel to protect the driver during such an attack. But obviously I decided against that. If they are going to make illegal driving moves, they had better protect themselves!

*Also, I'm the only person on the planet with a rocket launcher on my car. Otherwise how would that even be cool?


You'd think someone could have invented the miniature transportation device back in the 2010s. Alas, it took them until 2020 to invent the machine that revolutionized the world! Forgot your lunch today? No problem! Simply call your wife, tell her to insert your sandwich into the MiniPorter at home and ZAP! Lunch is served.

Better yet, punch your order into the MiniPorter and your favorite Chinese restaurant can beam the food right over to you, piping hot! The world doesn't know what hit them.


Another essential element of the future, as it pertains to me personally, is money. Lots of money. In the form of money bags. Lots of money bags.

But oh, it gets better. Because how archaic are money bags? VERY archaic. It would be much more logical and convenient to store all that money on a small item, maybe something like a card.

There we go. Oh wait.

That's right, I'm rich! You can pack about 200G onto one card and look how many I have! Not trying to rub it in, I'm just being honest.

Speaking of technology, someone finally had the bright idea to invent a do-it-yourself video game kit. FINALLY. How long did I have to wait for this? Forever, of course! And naturally my first idea for a video game was inspired by my Main Man himself.

I won't get into details of this game since it probably won't interest you, but there are generally a lot of time-challenged Italian dinners, some survive-by-keeping-warm-in-freezing-temperatures elements, and several rounds of competitive poetry reading.


The year 2020 will also debut the United States' first $13.65 stamp. Thanks to technology like the MiniPorter and iMail (plug into your brainport, think your mail, and send!), postal mail has become a fairly dated form of sending information to other people. Since the government is no longer receiving much profit from the sale of postage, they have resorted to using dogs as workers at federally-funded building sites. Only recently has the American public fought back and unanimously voted it illegal to use cute dogs on construction sites. I'm thankful that there is justice in the future!


Oh, it looks like Sean received his copy of my video game because he's calling me on my videophone. He's old now but that's okay, true love stands the test of time (and the Elixir of Life™ will be available in March)!